group grumble

This afternoon we all trundled off to the home-ed group. I had not really wanted to go again for a while but had agreed to go so I could hand over the organisation stuff to other people as I have been finding it all a bit much. It was Ok- people brought pumpkins and carved them and made them into soup. I brought all my left-over halloween stuff- colouring and quizzes, etc and wool to make giant spider webs. Someone brought a build-your own climbing frame, which they all enjoyed putting together. Unfortunately, later on this seemed to turn into some sort of war-like game of territories, which was all a bit much for Fergus, with three 7 year old boys. He was still quite upset when he got home, which made me quite glad I am under no obligation to go again for quite a while.It was good that some people had finally showed willing to help run the group, although it was very difficult for me to hand it all over just like that. I suppose I would have preferred it to happen in a more organic way, ie people gradually taking on different responsibilities, while allowing it to carry on in a similar way. I actually felt bullied at the meeting as everything I said seemed to be not listened to and argued with. As if I didn't know anything about how these things work. People seemed to have already decided to make changes and do things in a certain way, and had discussed it beforehand. It just seemed to be turning into something that I didn't even want to go to any more and I didn't seem to have any say in it at all. But I had to just quietly retreat into the kitchen and accept that this is the way they are doing things and they didn't realise how insensitive they were being. I know I had to let go of it and let other people take over as I just didn't have the energy for it any more. But I realised afterwards that it was not the organising that was tiring me out; it was just being around all those people!I managed to let off a bit of steam about it later, by phoning my friend Nic, who pointed out that it was like my baby so no wonder it was hard for me to let go. I just wanted everyone to take on a bit of responsiblity and do things like tidy up, keep and eye on the kids. Also I wanted it to be one a month, and they wanted it once a week. People seemed to think it was a good idea to form a 'group' of kids that see each other on a regular and frequent basis. I'm not at all sure if this is what I want or need for my kids. It sounds a bit like school. Like people are worried about kids missing out on that at school and it must be what kids need because that's what happens at school. But school is not created out of the needs of children, dont forget. It's an artificial arrangement where you are forced to spend the best part of your day with 30 other people the same age. What is that good for? Of course they need friends, but they don't necessarliy need a big gang of them all at once. Maybe some kids like that, but I never have and I don't think my kids do either. Maybe this is all affected by the fact that some of the people and kids in question I actually don't like that much. I don't like the way they play. And we have other friends that don't go to groups at all and they seem to get on with these better anyway. So I think I have almost talked myself out of going. But maybe if Nic comes I will feel a whole lot better about it. Thanks for listening to my drivel.