I just took this picture of the moon, without a tripod, balancing on the railings. Just showing off as I finally managed to get round to uploading the pictures off my camera. There are more.
Friday, June 29, 2007
forest school
This morning, after dropping off Joy and a quick visit to the stove shop, where I spotted a fantastic bargain, we went to the forest school again.
I think this was last week.
We made the fire pit a bit more of a managable size, so you can reach the kettle without having to step into it.
We went for a wild flower walk along the canal.
Then back for more tea and snacks, and great fun and chats with Irish Clare (here is her boy with my two.) She really is as bonkers as she is in the evening all the time! And we had a bit of a sing song.
Afterwards we went straight to the Montessori School for gardening, where I was loath to pull out all those wild flowers along the drive, (for some of those poor children this may be the only nature walk they get) so my weeding consisted of nettles and stray brambles, of which there was a large barrow load, and lots of hard work.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
pink ink (plus very boring bit at the end about phonebills)
OK, well, still feeling a bit snotty and rough- I think I'll go to bed soon, but I struggled through doing quite a bit of stuff today, albeit slowly:
After dropping Joy of at school I gave Kelly a lift back to Hebden: Her house purchase just completed yesterday (we were going to be near neighbours if mine hadn't fallen through) and she was on a desperate quest for drain rods as she had a rather unpleasant backed up drain spilliage. I wish she had bought into my house instead.
I finally ironed the sofa covers that I washed when? and put them on. This took all morning, but I did make soup. Fergus decided he wanted to learn to read, so we spent quite a lot of time on the sofa (without covers) reading Rednose Readers and Cat in the Hat books, notably The Foot Book, and One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue fish, featuring the Yink, who likes to wink as he drinks pink ink. Prior to reading Fergus had appeared with a feather, asking if he could learn to write with it, so I found some pink ink (strangely) and cut him a quill, and he did a few writing patterns.
After lunch we unpacked a box of jigsaws, games and linking letters, and the boys played all afternoon with these, culminating in a game of shops, stocking books and games and jigsaws. etc.
After we got Joy I noticed a guy cutting down trees, who I had been chatting to in the park yesterday (nooo, I said chatting to, not up...), so we went over (for a nosey round the new neighbour's farm) and to ask him about doing a bit of work on the house. I got more than I bargained for- a load of advice that got me thinking again about what I should do...
Joy brought all the rabbits in the house and they were given choice bits of food out of the fridge- that's where all the organic carrots have gone, then. So we had stirfried cabbage and noodles with tofu and seeds. (I think maybe I'm turning into a rabbit with all this vegan food).
Brendan came round to drop off the light fittings, but mainly to pick up his bag, which has been ringing all day. He was a bit late and the kids had waited up in their pyjamas so I was a bit impatient with him and didn't have time to talk to him I ended up asking him to put the kids to bed as I had lost it by then, and wanted to talk to my friend Sarah, which we had been trying and phoning each other back all evening. So I did that, and spoke to Meg, who still doesn't want to come home. She sounds quite weary and distressed, but insists she is fine.
I managed not to phone Dave, apart from, well, this morning, so that lasted a long time didn't it? but I was worried that he was ill and might need something, but I kept it short, anyway. Brendan offered to have the kids next Tuesday, so I could do tai chi, although I'm not sure if I want to do that, well, maybe, just do the class and go straight home.
O, I forgot- I spent ages trying to sort out my internet/phone bills and trying to combine them into one package so it costs less. I think this has been partially achieved: I have paid and cancelled my broadband, but am still waiting for the MAC code to migrate to BT. BT have the MAC code; they have to give it to Zen internet, who give it to me, who gives it back to BT. This is totally bizarre. Apparently my broadand wont be turned off at Zen until the MAC code has been requested from BT, who are going to provide my broadband package. I have given 2 weeks notice on cancellation; BT need a week's notice to connect. No-one from BT knew how the hell to migrate a broadband connection and how it works or what I was supposed to do. This was in the sales team. Zen were a lot more technical and helpful, but I can't afford to be paying for it seprately, or can I? The question is: do I need to go for the full monty BT Broadband Option 3 Unlimited Anytime at £22.99 a month for first 6 months and then £29.99 plus line rental? This includes anytime free landline phonecalls, plus a Wirless BT home hub and a BT hub phone...what are these things? I don't know... I have been paying £24.99 for broadband, plus the phonebill, which I can't really work out how long it's for, but its about £84 and seems to be for a month? That's ridicuolous! Why isn't it just free? I hate money.
So, hold on a minite, you can get anytime free calls for just £7.95 per month, but at the moment this is free...so why aren't I getting it free? humph- I haven't got another day to spend trying to sort this out. O god, It looks like I'll have to do it online anyway...you know I'm not stupid, I've got a degree. It had complicated maths in it. How does anyone work this stuff out. Is it just my stubborness and resistance to be part of the machine? maybe I should go and live in a yurt. But I would still want the internet. I suppose there's the library, no, shut up, how could I ever contemplate living without the internet? There, see, I'm completely hooked...
After dropping Joy of at school I gave Kelly a lift back to Hebden: Her house purchase just completed yesterday (we were going to be near neighbours if mine hadn't fallen through) and she was on a desperate quest for drain rods as she had a rather unpleasant backed up drain spilliage. I wish she had bought into my house instead.
I finally ironed the sofa covers that I washed when? and put them on. This took all morning, but I did make soup. Fergus decided he wanted to learn to read, so we spent quite a lot of time on the sofa (without covers) reading Rednose Readers and Cat in the Hat books, notably The Foot Book, and One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue fish, featuring the Yink, who likes to wink as he drinks pink ink. Prior to reading Fergus had appeared with a feather, asking if he could learn to write with it, so I found some pink ink (strangely) and cut him a quill, and he did a few writing patterns.
After lunch we unpacked a box of jigsaws, games and linking letters, and the boys played all afternoon with these, culminating in a game of shops, stocking books and games and jigsaws. etc.
After we got Joy I noticed a guy cutting down trees, who I had been chatting to in the park yesterday (nooo, I said chatting to, not up...), so we went over (for a nosey round the new neighbour's farm) and to ask him about doing a bit of work on the house. I got more than I bargained for- a load of advice that got me thinking again about what I should do...
Joy brought all the rabbits in the house and they were given choice bits of food out of the fridge- that's where all the organic carrots have gone, then. So we had stirfried cabbage and noodles with tofu and seeds. (I think maybe I'm turning into a rabbit with all this vegan food).
Brendan came round to drop off the light fittings, but mainly to pick up his bag, which has been ringing all day. He was a bit late and the kids had waited up in their pyjamas so I was a bit impatient with him and didn't have time to talk to him I ended up asking him to put the kids to bed as I had lost it by then, and wanted to talk to my friend Sarah, which we had been trying and phoning each other back all evening. So I did that, and spoke to Meg, who still doesn't want to come home. She sounds quite weary and distressed, but insists she is fine.
I managed not to phone Dave, apart from, well, this morning, so that lasted a long time didn't it? but I was worried that he was ill and might need something, but I kept it short, anyway. Brendan offered to have the kids next Tuesday, so I could do tai chi, although I'm not sure if I want to do that, well, maybe, just do the class and go straight home.
O, I forgot- I spent ages trying to sort out my internet/phone bills and trying to combine them into one package so it costs less. I think this has been partially achieved: I have paid and cancelled my broadband, but am still waiting for the MAC code to migrate to BT. BT have the MAC code; they have to give it to Zen internet, who give it to me, who gives it back to BT. This is totally bizarre. Apparently my broadand wont be turned off at Zen until the MAC code has been requested from BT, who are going to provide my broadband package. I have given 2 weeks notice on cancellation; BT need a week's notice to connect. No-one from BT knew how the hell to migrate a broadband connection and how it works or what I was supposed to do. This was in the sales team. Zen were a lot more technical and helpful, but I can't afford to be paying for it seprately, or can I? The question is: do I need to go for the full monty BT Broadband Option 3 Unlimited Anytime at £22.99 a month for first 6 months and then £29.99 plus line rental? This includes anytime free landline phonecalls, plus a Wirless BT home hub and a BT hub phone...what are these things? I don't know... I have been paying £24.99 for broadband, plus the phonebill, which I can't really work out how long it's for, but its about £84 and seems to be for a month? That's ridicuolous! Why isn't it just free? I hate money.
So, hold on a minite, you can get anytime free calls for just £7.95 per month, but at the moment this is free...so why aren't I getting it free? humph- I haven't got another day to spend trying to sort this out. O god, It looks like I'll have to do it online anyway...you know I'm not stupid, I've got a degree. It had complicated maths in it. How does anyone work this stuff out. Is it just my stubborness and resistance to be part of the machine? maybe I should go and live in a yurt. But I would still want the internet. I suppose there's the library, no, shut up, how could I ever contemplate living without the internet? There, see, I'm completely hooked...
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
striving to get my life together
OK, I'm sure you're all getting a bit bored with my midnight ramblings, well, don't worry I think I will sleep tonight, very soon. I'm a lot more settled about stuff than I was earlier, having had it out with Dave: I had to see him at the AGM, and I was very frosty, but I never seem to be able to keep this up very long with him, especially when he's caught my cold (he he). I think I managed to say everything on my mind. Not at the AGM, obviously, but afterwards when he found me in the park, with Kelly, and then afterwards when I phoned him, as I hadn't quite finished. I was very honest and clear about my feelings and I think I will have to leave it at that and not see him for a couple of weeks. Well, I have got a lot to do, anyway...
No-one came to the home-ed meeting apart from me and the boys, who made birthday cards for Meg, painted and looked at books, which was pretty good going as I had to leave them to it when the AGM started. Someone commented that they might get really bored and cover all our notes with snot, but I pointed out it was more likely to be me who did that. Kelly came along for moral support, after I phoned her, and inadvertantly joined the commitee.
Afterwards I met Joy and we all went to the park, where Kelly joined us with her Brendan. It was no-where near as busy as last Wednesday evening, for some reason, a bit of chill in the air, but still really sunny and pleasant, mind you I was in my coat and hat and scarf, due to my cold.
This evening Joy went to Judo, where there was some kind of masterclass with an olympic medal winner called [I've got no idea nor interest in his name and neither do you]. I think she enjoyed it though. I think she will get quite into Judo, and wants to go to a second calss on a Thursday eve too.
I saw Meg briefly, at her friend's house, where she has all her stuff. She is not coming home till tomorrow night. I got a pang when she told me there was nothing to come home for as she had already moved out and is not prepared to move back in while we wait to sell the house. Well. I will have a spare room then. She looked quite tired, and with a peeling nose, after her trip back from Glastonbury, I'm sure she'll tell me all about it in her own time. O, this would be so hard if I didn't have the other kids.
Yes, lots to do: I have ordered a load of paint from my friend's fiance, who works for a paint company, and who's ear I bent for half an hour, filling him in on the latest, in lieu of her, as she wasn't in, but she came back, so I got to do it all over again! Gosh, must sort out my phone tarriff so I get free calls: note to self...but I just don't understand all those different tarrifs and packages you get nowadays. But this is part of the disempowerment I got from being in a 10 year relationship where someone else does everything like that (however badly) so I never had to look at a phonebill so never kept up to speed with the latest ways of doing things. (I only got involved when the phone got cut off, which happened regularly). Funny thing is, now it's in my name I'm on the phone more than ever and the bill is through the roof- I must sort it out.
So thats 2 things:
paint
phone bill
and...
sort through box of paperwork (again!)
sort out fireplace- priority- may take time
return plastic boxes to Dawn- tomorrow
Sort out light fittings- Brendan will do this tomorrow night?
Do something for Meg's birthday: present? party?
remember I have children
remember I have friends
No-one came to the home-ed meeting apart from me and the boys, who made birthday cards for Meg, painted and looked at books, which was pretty good going as I had to leave them to it when the AGM started. Someone commented that they might get really bored and cover all our notes with snot, but I pointed out it was more likely to be me who did that. Kelly came along for moral support, after I phoned her, and inadvertantly joined the commitee.
Afterwards I met Joy and we all went to the park, where Kelly joined us with her Brendan. It was no-where near as busy as last Wednesday evening, for some reason, a bit of chill in the air, but still really sunny and pleasant, mind you I was in my coat and hat and scarf, due to my cold.
This evening Joy went to Judo, where there was some kind of masterclass with an olympic medal winner called [I've got no idea nor interest in his name and neither do you]. I think she enjoyed it though. I think she will get quite into Judo, and wants to go to a second calss on a Thursday eve too.
I saw Meg briefly, at her friend's house, where she has all her stuff. She is not coming home till tomorrow night. I got a pang when she told me there was nothing to come home for as she had already moved out and is not prepared to move back in while we wait to sell the house. Well. I will have a spare room then. She looked quite tired, and with a peeling nose, after her trip back from Glastonbury, I'm sure she'll tell me all about it in her own time. O, this would be so hard if I didn't have the other kids.
Yes, lots to do: I have ordered a load of paint from my friend's fiance, who works for a paint company, and who's ear I bent for half an hour, filling him in on the latest, in lieu of her, as she wasn't in, but she came back, so I got to do it all over again! Gosh, must sort out my phone tarriff so I get free calls: note to self...but I just don't understand all those different tarrifs and packages you get nowadays. But this is part of the disempowerment I got from being in a 10 year relationship where someone else does everything like that (however badly) so I never had to look at a phonebill so never kept up to speed with the latest ways of doing things. (I only got involved when the phone got cut off, which happened regularly). Funny thing is, now it's in my name I'm on the phone more than ever and the bill is through the roof- I must sort it out.
So thats 2 things:
paint
phone bill
and...
sort through box of paperwork (again!)
sort out fireplace- priority- may take time
return plastic boxes to Dawn- tomorrow
Sort out light fittings- Brendan will do this tomorrow night?
Do something for Meg's birthday: present? party?
remember I have children
remember I have friends
O this is getting ridiculous
Well, I think all that sleep I had has let me in for another sleepless night. I only had 2 cups of tea today, well, 3, if you include the half cup of gunpowder I had before tea. I have stuff going round my head, see? And my nicotine quota is not nearly high enough. So here I am, with a sherry toddy, thinly disguised as a cup of chamomile tea, in front of my goldfish bowl window, not that anyone could see me apart from Jack, or anyone wandering round in Jack's garden at 2am. Not that I care- I got up the other night at midnight and realised I had left the patio doors wide open! I'm warming up my feet on the computer, that took ages to boot itself. So here I am with my friend the computer, watching this, and, you, lovely friends, the only ones who put up with my craziness. I just played a rendition of "Sweet sweet sugar" in the kitchen, (appropriately), which the kid's enjoyed earlier, not yet released, (watch out on youtube!) I was supposed to be playing at Open Mic Surgery tomorrow night, but I think my near deafness and bunged-upness might make for a poor performance, so I have postponed Brendan's babysitting.
I am pissed off because Dave's at his girlfriend's tonght, presumably, for the forth night in five days- he's practically living there now. And who's he trying to kid: "we're just friends", after everything that's happened, and the way he behaves when we're alone together. Well I'm afraid he's not going to have his cake and eat it any more (she says, trying to convince herself: how many times have I been here before?). He says one thing and does another. He's not in a committed relationship, he said. He just doesn't want to admit it to himself. O, god, I can't believe I'm blogging this: I'm just so pissed off with it now. I'm just putting up with crumbs from under the table as I've been starved of affection for so long. O no, I can feel another song coming on... no, not yet, I need to get a handle on this. Actually I'm alright. I'm probably more allright than I have been for a long time. This needed to happen. I think I was so afraid of being on my own, but didn't want to admit it to myself. But it's OK, see.
I am pissed off because Dave's at his girlfriend's tonght, presumably, for the forth night in five days- he's practically living there now. And who's he trying to kid: "we're just friends", after everything that's happened, and the way he behaves when we're alone together. Well I'm afraid he's not going to have his cake and eat it any more (she says, trying to convince herself: how many times have I been here before?). He says one thing and does another. He's not in a committed relationship, he said. He just doesn't want to admit it to himself. O, god, I can't believe I'm blogging this: I'm just so pissed off with it now. I'm just putting up with crumbs from under the table as I've been starved of affection for so long. O no, I can feel another song coming on... no, not yet, I need to get a handle on this. Actually I'm alright. I'm probably more allright than I have been for a long time. This needed to happen. I think I was so afraid of being on my own, but didn't want to admit it to myself. But it's OK, see.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
bit more sanity
I'm just recovering from a really bad cold (still nearly deaf but ears not hurting andy more). I've had Dave and Kelly phoning me up today to see if I was OK and if I needed anything. I spoke to them both last night in a delirious state after I took to my bed at 3pm, and was still waiting for Brendan to arrive to make the children's tea and bring my remedy (Gelsemium 200). I was sweating and incoherent and highly emotional. Well, it had to come out sooner or later. Joy made the tea: sausages, baked potatoes and beans, and brought me some on a plate, bless. Brendan finally arrived and put the boys in bed and took Joy back with him so he could drop her at the school bus stop in the morning. I woke up at about 8.30pm with a note from Joy, saying: I am going now, I will go strat to ballet from school. I got up for a bit then slept all night.
So I was up and about today and started pottering about in the garden, after putting some washing out. Weeding turned out to be very theraputic and I didn't get tired. The boys had a bonfire, which kept them happy all afternoon. We even had a sing-song before bed, though I could hardly hear my guitar. They seemed to really enjoy it and even danced about. They wanted to sing "In the highways" ("...I'll be somewhere working for the lord") but we couldn't get the computer to play it and I couldn't quite remember it, not having played it before, but I think we did a pretty good job, considering all, even sneaked a few harmonies in! We should do singing more often, I even considered maybe doing a timetable, so we don't forget to do all the things we like doing! OK, maybe September... one thing at a time. Last night in my delerious state I remember going on about my doubts about home educating... can I really manage it? Is this because I'll have all three of them come September? Somehow I think it will actually make it easier as we'll be able to get back into the swing of things and going to groups, especially now Freddie's older. He was only 2 last time I had all three of them, and this time he'll be 4 in October. I think it'll be alright, and I plan on visiting some of my far-flung friends, so watch out!
So, as you can probably tell, things are a little more bit upbeat and positive here, since my terrible sleepless weekend without the children. On Sunday I did quite a lot of clearing out in the garage and planned to do a lot more in the house, but ran out of time and energy. I had an estate agent round on Monday morning, but afterwards decided that I would wait a couple of weeks before putting the house on the market. Brendan is keen to do it asap, he thinks the housing market is going to crash, well, if it does, I'll just have to stay here, won't I?
I am planning to get a working fireplace put into the front room,which will take the longest, and while this is going on, or I am waiting for it to go on, I will get the rest of the house sorted, get rid of some more stuff in the garage, and put any stray packed boxes that won't fit in cupboards in there; I have asked Brendan to sort out all the broken light fittings in the bathrooms, and the garage, and possibly the front room. When the fire is done I will repaint the floor, and walls, and probably the living room as well- I think it will look shed loads better, and one coat would do it. I'll do it all antique white.
Meg's coming home tonight! and it's her birthday today! She wasn't going to come home for another week, but has had a fall-out with one of her bosses, who sounds like the sort of guy who falls out with people all the time. She had a great time at Glastonbury, anyway, what I great way to spend your 20th birthday! She sent me a postcard with mud on it and she phoned me today saying it felt like the whole world was mud and tents!
The baby rabbits are so cute, and Joy has been bringing them in the house, with Snowball, who doesn't seem to mind, and actually feeds them in the house. Joy's been knitting a scarf for Grandma, and is doing really well, at least a foot and it's quite wide and stripy- she's really got the hang of it now. She said she liked going to daddy's house on her own last night.
O God, I seem to be actually keeping it together, don't I? I just have to remember to pace myself and not try and do too much. Now, where did I pack that iron?
So I was up and about today and started pottering about in the garden, after putting some washing out. Weeding turned out to be very theraputic and I didn't get tired. The boys had a bonfire, which kept them happy all afternoon. We even had a sing-song before bed, though I could hardly hear my guitar. They seemed to really enjoy it and even danced about. They wanted to sing "In the highways" ("...I'll be somewhere working for the lord") but we couldn't get the computer to play it and I couldn't quite remember it, not having played it before, but I think we did a pretty good job, considering all, even sneaked a few harmonies in! We should do singing more often, I even considered maybe doing a timetable, so we don't forget to do all the things we like doing! OK, maybe September... one thing at a time. Last night in my delerious state I remember going on about my doubts about home educating... can I really manage it? Is this because I'll have all three of them come September? Somehow I think it will actually make it easier as we'll be able to get back into the swing of things and going to groups, especially now Freddie's older. He was only 2 last time I had all three of them, and this time he'll be 4 in October. I think it'll be alright, and I plan on visiting some of my far-flung friends, so watch out!
So, as you can probably tell, things are a little more bit upbeat and positive here, since my terrible sleepless weekend without the children. On Sunday I did quite a lot of clearing out in the garage and planned to do a lot more in the house, but ran out of time and energy. I had an estate agent round on Monday morning, but afterwards decided that I would wait a couple of weeks before putting the house on the market. Brendan is keen to do it asap, he thinks the housing market is going to crash, well, if it does, I'll just have to stay here, won't I?
I am planning to get a working fireplace put into the front room,which will take the longest, and while this is going on, or I am waiting for it to go on, I will get the rest of the house sorted, get rid of some more stuff in the garage, and put any stray packed boxes that won't fit in cupboards in there; I have asked Brendan to sort out all the broken light fittings in the bathrooms, and the garage, and possibly the front room. When the fire is done I will repaint the floor, and walls, and probably the living room as well- I think it will look shed loads better, and one coat would do it. I'll do it all antique white.
Meg's coming home tonight! and it's her birthday today! She wasn't going to come home for another week, but has had a fall-out with one of her bosses, who sounds like the sort of guy who falls out with people all the time. She had a great time at Glastonbury, anyway, what I great way to spend your 20th birthday! She sent me a postcard with mud on it and she phoned me today saying it felt like the whole world was mud and tents!
The baby rabbits are so cute, and Joy has been bringing them in the house, with Snowball, who doesn't seem to mind, and actually feeds them in the house. Joy's been knitting a scarf for Grandma, and is doing really well, at least a foot and it's quite wide and stripy- she's really got the hang of it now. She said she liked going to daddy's house on her own last night.
O God, I seem to be actually keeping it together, don't I? I just have to remember to pace myself and not try and do too much. Now, where did I pack that iron?
Saturday, June 23, 2007
out with the old...
Is there a record for the number of responses for one item on offered Freecylcle? I have had seventeen in under 24 hours, but I really want to give it to my friend, who doesnt have a van, or a house finalised. OK. It's some bookcases (!) but I really think my front room would look better without them, now the rest have gone, and they are empty. I don't really like them, they are white particleboard. They were practical, but the 'new house' will have something different.
O, new house -thats' what I'll do - my favourite pasttime- look for houses! Rightmove here I come.. I can dream...
O, new house -thats' what I'll do - my favourite pasttime- look for houses! Rightmove here I come.. I can dream...
poorly
I went back to bed at 6.30 and was woken at 9.30 by the phone- I had said I would work with Dave today. I finally emerged around 12 with shouts of hello- he had decided to come and get me after waiting for me to turn up. I have been in a bit of a sorry state all day, but managed a few hour's gardening, which was quite pleasant. I am almost deaf but can hear if someone is facing me or on the phone. God knows what I sound like. I'm missing being able to sing. And to be able to have a normal conversation. I hope my homeopath can help me out on Monday. I don't like being poorly.
After our second trip to the tip, and some honest words in the car, I finally tuned out to radio 2 and we did a bit of pruning back in my garden. I ate a bit and went to bed for a few hours, with some lavender oil in my ear. I actually considered going out but really I am too poorly for that.
Joy phoned and asked about the rabbits, who are fine, and look like rabbits and have been fed.
I found a bottle of sherry from Christmas and it's quite soothing...I have recovered, almost, from my pre-menstral surge of emotion, which woke me up last night at 4am. I was mad with rage. Good job nobody, I mean nobody, was about at that time.
OK, truth time: Dave and I are friends, close friends. When I get emotionally needy at times of crisis I want it to me more than friends. Well, actually, I want it all the time, but I am a rational human being and I know that it is not the right time for either of us to be anything other than friends. So most of the time I am ok with it, and I enjoy his company and we have a good time. Then we get close, and sometimes I get carried away, thinking it could be more...I have such a huge amount of love for that man that sometimes I just don't know what to do with it. Sometimes I just don't understand what's going on. Sometimes I am fine with it and it really gives my a boost. Well, a lot of the time, really, he is so supportive: I can't think of anyone (present company excepted, of course) that would put up with the state of vagueness I have been in today. And he doesn't want to have an affair with me- I am worth soo so much more than that. This has made me feel a whole lot better. I am being treated with respect. And I am loved. That's all I ever want, really.
After our second trip to the tip, and some honest words in the car, I finally tuned out to radio 2 and we did a bit of pruning back in my garden. I ate a bit and went to bed for a few hours, with some lavender oil in my ear. I actually considered going out but really I am too poorly for that.
Joy phoned and asked about the rabbits, who are fine, and look like rabbits and have been fed.
I found a bottle of sherry from Christmas and it's quite soothing...I have recovered, almost, from my pre-menstral surge of emotion, which woke me up last night at 4am. I was mad with rage. Good job nobody, I mean nobody, was about at that time.
OK, truth time: Dave and I are friends, close friends. When I get emotionally needy at times of crisis I want it to me more than friends. Well, actually, I want it all the time, but I am a rational human being and I know that it is not the right time for either of us to be anything other than friends. So most of the time I am ok with it, and I enjoy his company and we have a good time. Then we get close, and sometimes I get carried away, thinking it could be more...I have such a huge amount of love for that man that sometimes I just don't know what to do with it. Sometimes I just don't understand what's going on. Sometimes I am fine with it and it really gives my a boost. Well, a lot of the time, really, he is so supportive: I can't think of anyone (present company excepted, of course) that would put up with the state of vagueness I have been in today. And he doesn't want to have an affair with me- I am worth soo so much more than that. This has made me feel a whole lot better. I am being treated with respect. And I am loved. That's all I ever want, really.
Solstice
Wednesday went by in a bit of a rainy blur. I had been up in the night with bad ears and woke up nearly deaf. Dave mowed my lawn in the morning and took me up to Michelle's, where I had Reiki. Later we had left over curry, which was much nicer than the night before, and a quiet night in by the fire. I didn't go to the Callis bonfire as it was raining too much, even to have a bonfire in the garden.
Friday was much better. I wish my camera batteries hadn't run out as it was very photogenic. I took the boys to the Forest School, which is basically an outdoor playgroup in a lovely clearing next to the canal. It has willow benders for shelter and the kids can help chop up wood for the fire to make a brew, and play with hammocks, etc. We made mid-summer night dream catchers with treasure from a woodland walk and sang a few songs before getting eaten by midges. It was magical- and it's on every week! That's my Fridays sorted out then.
We went straight on to the Montessori, where I had been left a note to weed the drive and flowerbeds, but when I had to take Freddie inside I saw that one of the nursery children had injured themselves on a rosebush, so I decided to do some emergency pruning in the nursery garden, which took most of the afternoon. I hope that was all right... Freddie played quite happily in the sandpit on the covered balcony while I tackled the roses in the drizzle. I also had to give the tomatoes some emergency tlc. I hope I did OK using my initiative.
Joy went to riding and I dropped them off at Daddy's for the weekend. Not that I have any wild nights out planned or anything. In fact I'm too ill to go out. I did go to tai chi and wandered round to Josee's for supper. She plied me with copious amounts of tea and toast, in the hope that I would help her with some origami stars. I didn't get any done, but managed to help her where she had got stuck on the instructions. By then we were both in fits of laughter and it was well after mignight so I decided I better go home.
I now seem to be in some strange state of possibly caffeine-induced insomnia. I have been up since 4am, and thinking far too much. I am feeling quite angry about everything, (no, not with you, Brendan), just, you know, other stuff. If there are any more insane caffeine induced insomniacs out there please give me a ring, although I expect I will fall asleep at around 8am and feel lousy for the rest of the day. And my ear still hurts, And I have run out of lavender oil. O bugger.
Friday was much better. I wish my camera batteries hadn't run out as it was very photogenic. I took the boys to the Forest School, which is basically an outdoor playgroup in a lovely clearing next to the canal. It has willow benders for shelter and the kids can help chop up wood for the fire to make a brew, and play with hammocks, etc. We made mid-summer night dream catchers with treasure from a woodland walk and sang a few songs before getting eaten by midges. It was magical- and it's on every week! That's my Fridays sorted out then.
We went straight on to the Montessori, where I had been left a note to weed the drive and flowerbeds, but when I had to take Freddie inside I saw that one of the nursery children had injured themselves on a rosebush, so I decided to do some emergency pruning in the nursery garden, which took most of the afternoon. I hope that was all right... Freddie played quite happily in the sandpit on the covered balcony while I tackled the roses in the drizzle. I also had to give the tomatoes some emergency tlc. I hope I did OK using my initiative.
Joy went to riding and I dropped them off at Daddy's for the weekend. Not that I have any wild nights out planned or anything. In fact I'm too ill to go out. I did go to tai chi and wandered round to Josee's for supper. She plied me with copious amounts of tea and toast, in the hope that I would help her with some origami stars. I didn't get any done, but managed to help her where she had got stuck on the instructions. By then we were both in fits of laughter and it was well after mignight so I decided I better go home.
I now seem to be in some strange state of possibly caffeine-induced insomnia. I have been up since 4am, and thinking far too much. I am feeling quite angry about everything, (no, not with you, Brendan), just, you know, other stuff. If there are any more insane caffeine induced insomniacs out there please give me a ring, although I expect I will fall asleep at around 8am and feel lousy for the rest of the day. And my ear still hurts, And I have run out of lavender oil. O bugger.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
blob
I just went back in the kitchen and saw the sorry sight of my phonebook open and my phones next to it. I completely blobbed out and spent the entire evening on the phone and texting people- O, I haven't texted Meg yet... I made myself a barleycup (yes, I actually like the stuff- it comforts me). I suppose I should make the most of Meg not being here and get a relatively early night.
Today went a lot better. I took Joy to school, thinking we had missed the bus, but we hadn't, but wasn't too much bother really, I seem to be able to do it in my sleep. At least I didn't have my pyjamas on so I called in at Dave's for an early morning cup of tea on the way back. It's nice to see a grown up sometimes before starting the day.
This morning, back at home, the boys wanted to do some sewing, well, Fergus started and Freddie was compelled to join in, too, so I had to unpack another box to get the needles out. Freddie made a present for both grandma's because they are both sad. His face lit up later on when I said we could go and visit grandma; he could take the thing he made: what I found in the box was some binka and some think gold thread. Its a thing, a really good thing, it's a machine, it's for grandma. It's like a ball of scrunched up binka, but maybe grandma will appreciate that. The other grandma got a (rather nice) peg doll, which he was very determined to finish before we went to the group. (Hmm, determination, wonder where he gets that from, then?).
The group was pleasant enough, after the slight unpleasantness with the playgroup, who also use the room, but obviously think they own it and are oblivious to anyone else using it. I called in while they were still there to ask them if they could please leave our chairs out of thier locked cupboard because otherwise I would have to wait for Dave to come and open the cupboard. They obviously hadn't noticed that they had inadvertently nicked all our chirs and were quite sniffy about giving them back- it was too inconvenient and I would have to go into the loft to see if there were any up there. Really I should wait for Dave to do this too, because of, you know health and safety, but you know, I'm quite accustomed to going into lofts... What I really wanted them to do was just say: OK, on Wednesdays we'll leave you x number of chairs out, we can share them. I was really trying to be light and friendly with them, but they really hate having anything to do with me- the whole HE thing is obviously such a threat to some people. And they obviously don't reallise that I am on the Arts Centre committee and me and Dave and Dave (other committee members) are like that (*crossed fingers*). Ahh well, AGM next week...
So, anyway, the group was ok. Mary came along and did her singing workshop. It was really nice, although it wasn't really aimed at children, and they all drifted off towards the book corner eventually. It was nice to see quite a few Hebden people there, plus Lucy, who has moved a bit closer. Shame, there were a few children ther who were quite into singing but it was too difficult, even for some of the adults. They were just difficult songs to learn, only one was in English. O it would be great if Jude would come over and do some music with us- I'm sure she will do soon.
So, after meeting Joy off the bus, and bumping into several people, we went to the park, and bumped into a few more people there, which was nice.
Went home and made curry, at Joy's request, sat in the garden and contemplated making a bigger tai chi space. I might be here for a while yet, but realistically I can't stay here forever. I can't face putting house on the market just yet, but I'm sure I will feel better soon, hopefully. I just don't want to be rushed into anything.
Today went a lot better. I took Joy to school, thinking we had missed the bus, but we hadn't, but wasn't too much bother really, I seem to be able to do it in my sleep. At least I didn't have my pyjamas on so I called in at Dave's for an early morning cup of tea on the way back. It's nice to see a grown up sometimes before starting the day.
This morning, back at home, the boys wanted to do some sewing, well, Fergus started and Freddie was compelled to join in, too, so I had to unpack another box to get the needles out. Freddie made a present for both grandma's because they are both sad. His face lit up later on when I said we could go and visit grandma; he could take the thing he made: what I found in the box was some binka and some think gold thread. Its a thing, a really good thing, it's a machine, it's for grandma. It's like a ball of scrunched up binka, but maybe grandma will appreciate that. The other grandma got a (rather nice) peg doll, which he was very determined to finish before we went to the group. (Hmm, determination, wonder where he gets that from, then?).
The group was pleasant enough, after the slight unpleasantness with the playgroup, who also use the room, but obviously think they own it and are oblivious to anyone else using it. I called in while they were still there to ask them if they could please leave our chairs out of thier locked cupboard because otherwise I would have to wait for Dave to come and open the cupboard. They obviously hadn't noticed that they had inadvertently nicked all our chirs and were quite sniffy about giving them back- it was too inconvenient and I would have to go into the loft to see if there were any up there. Really I should wait for Dave to do this too, because of, you know health and safety, but you know, I'm quite accustomed to going into lofts... What I really wanted them to do was just say: OK, on Wednesdays we'll leave you x number of chairs out, we can share them. I was really trying to be light and friendly with them, but they really hate having anything to do with me- the whole HE thing is obviously such a threat to some people. And they obviously don't reallise that I am on the Arts Centre committee and me and Dave and Dave (other committee members) are like that (*crossed fingers*). Ahh well, AGM next week...
So, anyway, the group was ok. Mary came along and did her singing workshop. It was really nice, although it wasn't really aimed at children, and they all drifted off towards the book corner eventually. It was nice to see quite a few Hebden people there, plus Lucy, who has moved a bit closer. Shame, there were a few children ther who were quite into singing but it was too difficult, even for some of the adults. They were just difficult songs to learn, only one was in English. O it would be great if Jude would come over and do some music with us- I'm sure she will do soon.
So, after meeting Joy off the bus, and bumping into several people, we went to the park, and bumped into a few more people there, which was nice.
Went home and made curry, at Joy's request, sat in the garden and contemplated making a bigger tai chi space. I might be here for a while yet, but realistically I can't stay here forever. I can't face putting house on the market just yet, but I'm sure I will feel better soon, hopefully. I just don't want to be rushed into anything.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
did too much
Well it's thunder and lightning here; I'm sat in front of the big window for the full dramatic effect. But all is clam, now, in the house. The children went to bed fairly early and I've had a visit from Dave: did a bit of tai chi in the garden and a bit of a chat. Meg's just about to set off for Glastonbury; I should go and talk to her; she'll be 20 next time I see her... Ok well she's in the shower...
Well the last few days have been quite trying but everything went ok. The children went off with Brendan on Sunday afternoon to the pig race at the Blue Pig (like a duck race, only with blue pigs).
I drove down to mum's on Sunday evening with Meg. No-one else was there till Monday morning: my brother turned up and gave mum a lift to the funeral and I went with Meg. I picked some flowers from the garden with mum to take. It was good- I mean it was a good ceremony- I was pretty emotional but tried to keep it together as I was between my mum and Meg. It was a celebration of his life and some great things were said about my dad. He was a really amazing person. I have a few pictures- there were some I hadn't seen before of him building the house I grew up in. We went back to the pub and chatted to most of the family and back at mum's. Me and Meg stayed till about 9.30 so we didn't get home till 1am. It should only take three hours, but I got bored of dodging lorries and mooched around WHSmiths at Keele services for a bit- such a dodgy place- I never stop there.
Mel looked after the children on Monday- still haven't found out much of what they did then. And she had them for an hour this morning so I didn't have to get up too early.
I had a really full on day today which was more that I could handle really- I was quite subdued. I took Meg to the supermarket to get supplies for Glasto and dropped her off at college. Then straight on to my Job Centre interview, which went surprisingly well: I think they were kind to me because the knew about the funeral. The boys got a bit bored there but were generally good, supplied with crayons, paper and happy hippos.
Then it was the hospital with Fergus, which turned into a bit of a palaver, so an hour and a half later and pot-free, we went back to pick Joy up and take her to ballet. I went home then and this is where I lost the plot and started losing it with the children. I put Fergus in the bath to wash his arm, but also to calm him down and keep him away from Freddie.
Joy came home and saw to the remaining three baby rabbits, which are now opening their eyes, are all brown, and look really like rabbits, apparently. I had to have a lie down before finishing making the tea: I had started a stirfry and had to do that instaed of something a bit easier (or even easier) even though I was having palpitations for an hour and a half.
I lost it again just before bedtime (Meg was winding me up a bit and not helping, well she is a bit busy), but I got them in bed and went downstairs and calmed down before I could read them a story. So I did manage it, phew!
So, I got through today. Tomorrow's another day. I have the group, with singing workshop, and in the morning I think I will need to make a few phonecalls. It sounds like I'm back to square one with the house. I'm not really that bothered if I lose that house I was buying. I'm past caring, really, but I wasn't really attatched to it, and it had it's down sides. I went to look at it last night on the way home and it just seemed like: that was the house I was going to buy... I'm not looking forward to putting this house on the market now. Maybe there's no rush, 'cept I'm running out of money fast. Actually, I could get them to suspend payments- aha, might just do that.
I better go and see if Meg's got out the shower, and I think maybe I've got a text to send, is it three days yet?
Well the last few days have been quite trying but everything went ok. The children went off with Brendan on Sunday afternoon to the pig race at the Blue Pig (like a duck race, only with blue pigs).
I drove down to mum's on Sunday evening with Meg. No-one else was there till Monday morning: my brother turned up and gave mum a lift to the funeral and I went with Meg. I picked some flowers from the garden with mum to take. It was good- I mean it was a good ceremony- I was pretty emotional but tried to keep it together as I was between my mum and Meg. It was a celebration of his life and some great things were said about my dad. He was a really amazing person. I have a few pictures- there were some I hadn't seen before of him building the house I grew up in. We went back to the pub and chatted to most of the family and back at mum's. Me and Meg stayed till about 9.30 so we didn't get home till 1am. It should only take three hours, but I got bored of dodging lorries and mooched around WHSmiths at Keele services for a bit- such a dodgy place- I never stop there.
Mel looked after the children on Monday- still haven't found out much of what they did then. And she had them for an hour this morning so I didn't have to get up too early.
I had a really full on day today which was more that I could handle really- I was quite subdued. I took Meg to the supermarket to get supplies for Glasto and dropped her off at college. Then straight on to my Job Centre interview, which went surprisingly well: I think they were kind to me because the knew about the funeral. The boys got a bit bored there but were generally good, supplied with crayons, paper and happy hippos.
Then it was the hospital with Fergus, which turned into a bit of a palaver, so an hour and a half later and pot-free, we went back to pick Joy up and take her to ballet. I went home then and this is where I lost the plot and started losing it with the children. I put Fergus in the bath to wash his arm, but also to calm him down and keep him away from Freddie.
Joy came home and saw to the remaining three baby rabbits, which are now opening their eyes, are all brown, and look really like rabbits, apparently. I had to have a lie down before finishing making the tea: I had started a stirfry and had to do that instaed of something a bit easier (or even easier) even though I was having palpitations for an hour and a half.
I lost it again just before bedtime (Meg was winding me up a bit and not helping, well she is a bit busy), but I got them in bed and went downstairs and calmed down before I could read them a story. So I did manage it, phew!
So, I got through today. Tomorrow's another day. I have the group, with singing workshop, and in the morning I think I will need to make a few phonecalls. It sounds like I'm back to square one with the house. I'm not really that bothered if I lose that house I was buying. I'm past caring, really, but I wasn't really attatched to it, and it had it's down sides. I went to look at it last night on the way home and it just seemed like: that was the house I was going to buy... I'm not looking forward to putting this house on the market now. Maybe there's no rush, 'cept I'm running out of money fast. Actually, I could get them to suspend payments- aha, might just do that.
I better go and see if Meg's got out the shower, and I think maybe I've got a text to send, is it three days yet?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
O dear
Mercury retrograde, astrology's Murphy's Law: "In general the effect of Mercury retrograde is annoyance. Little things get snarled up and a low-grade frustration emerges. Anything involving communications, verbal activity, technology, short trips and journeys, primary education, and siblings can be affected."
That's just about everything then.
That's just about everything then.
butter-side down
So what else can happen? Well I was phoned by the estate agent this morning at 9 (six hours after I went to bed!) to be told that the house I was supposed to be buying is going back on the market and they already have another offer. I did have the vendor's mobile number but she appears to have changed it. She has probably gone to Glastonbury by now, and the buyers are off there now selling pizzas, they still want to buy this house but I don't feel like doing anything at the moment. It would have been nice to have a breathing space- well maybe I'll just have to give myself one. (Fergus is doing my head in - not asking, but rudely saying I'm hiding and not letting him have another piece of bread).
Martin now can't go to the funeral, so I am off the hook of having to pursuade him not to go- Meg really didn't want him to go and I didn't think it was a good idea, but I was really past caring. He's going to give her a lift to Glasto afterwards as she will have missed her lift with the people she's working for.
I got a parking ticket last night when I was parked outside Dave's house. The stupid thing is he has a visitor's permit but I had to give it back to him, didn't I?
Brendan told me he has been reading my blog- I thought he just looked at the pictures, which he no longer has to do as he does see the children. Please don't read it, Brendan- it's like being stalked; go away.
Another one of the baby rabbits died in the night. Josee is coming up this afternoon to see what she can do to help. She used to breed them so if anyone can help she can.
Murphy's Law: if something can go wrong it will: butter-side down syndrome.
The kids have been a bit wild and traumatised, but now they are kind of ok, practising Judo moves on each other. It will be great for them to see Josee's kids (one of them was at Judo this morning). Freddie wants to go on the computer. (when he wants something he says it over and over again until he gets it or just cries and cries till he is distracted). I need to go to bed, but this may have to wait till later.
Martin now can't go to the funeral, so I am off the hook of having to pursuade him not to go- Meg really didn't want him to go and I didn't think it was a good idea, but I was really past caring. He's going to give her a lift to Glasto afterwards as she will have missed her lift with the people she's working for.
I got a parking ticket last night when I was parked outside Dave's house. The stupid thing is he has a visitor's permit but I had to give it back to him, didn't I?
Brendan told me he has been reading my blog- I thought he just looked at the pictures, which he no longer has to do as he does see the children. Please don't read it, Brendan- it's like being stalked; go away.
Another one of the baby rabbits died in the night. Josee is coming up this afternoon to see what she can do to help. She used to breed them so if anyone can help she can.
Murphy's Law: if something can go wrong it will: butter-side down syndrome.
The kids have been a bit wild and traumatised, but now they are kind of ok, practising Judo moves on each other. It will be great for them to see Josee's kids (one of them was at Judo this morning). Freddie wants to go on the computer. (when he wants something he says it over and over again until he gets it or just cries and cries till he is distracted). I need to go to bed, but this may have to wait till later.
murphy's law
I know it's really late- practically the middle of the night, but I'm all alone in the house and I can do what I like, so there. I'm still exchanging texts with Mel (what a couple of teenagers we are) along the lines of, I think my friend fancies you... yes, well he did just ask me out... I'll leave you guessing who said what... I just called in at the Trades Club and Mel was there, which was great as I needed to ask her to look after the kids while I go down to the funeral. We were students together many years ago, and have passed in and out of each others lives over the years, living in the same town, but not always doing the same things. She is a friend of Brendan, too, so has spent a lot of time with my kids when they have been with him. Anyway, so that was a very pleasant evening...
O, and the house sale has fallen through at the eleventh hour. It has completely fallen through- not just delayed- their buyers have pulled out. The buyer phoned me at about half past six, when I was just about to go to tai chi. And I laughed hysterically. I had been in bed for an hour when I got back from work, and slept, exhausted and emotionally drained. I phoned Dave when I woke up and was moaning that I didn't want to move. So that's that then. Well, it isn't that, I don't know what it is- I might be able to carry on and sell the house to these people or somebody else and the house I was buying might wait.. but it's thown it all up into the air again, like I have to decide again what I really want to do. Well I'm not going to worry about it just yet- I've got a funeral to go to and boys to have their pot taken off, and benefit interviews to attend.
Somebody told me the Mercury went into retrograde today, and that's when things go pear shaped. Here are some tips for what not to do during Mercury retrograde, which I found here, Murphy's law, as defined in the cosmos...
If at all possible, avoid signing legal documents.
If at all possible, finish projects which involve communication before the retrograde.
If at all possible, avoid closing big deals during the retrograde
If at all possible, avoid launching new projects during the retrograde
If at all possible, avoid scheduling meetings to make a big decision
Allow extra time when travelling
Backup your hard drive before the retrograde
If at all possible, avoid installing new computer software during the retrograde
Do needed repairs on machinery before the retrograde
Do not hold an election during the retrograde
O, and the house sale has fallen through at the eleventh hour. It has completely fallen through- not just delayed- their buyers have pulled out. The buyer phoned me at about half past six, when I was just about to go to tai chi. And I laughed hysterically. I had been in bed for an hour when I got back from work, and slept, exhausted and emotionally drained. I phoned Dave when I woke up and was moaning that I didn't want to move. So that's that then. Well, it isn't that, I don't know what it is- I might be able to carry on and sell the house to these people or somebody else and the house I was buying might wait.. but it's thown it all up into the air again, like I have to decide again what I really want to do. Well I'm not going to worry about it just yet- I've got a funeral to go to and boys to have their pot taken off, and benefit interviews to attend.
Somebody told me the Mercury went into retrograde today, and that's when things go pear shaped. Here are some tips for what not to do during Mercury retrograde, which I found here, Murphy's law, as defined in the cosmos...
If at all possible, avoid signing legal documents.
If at all possible, finish projects which involve communication before the retrograde.
If at all possible, avoid closing big deals during the retrograde
If at all possible, avoid launching new projects during the retrograde
If at all possible, avoid scheduling meetings to make a big decision
Allow extra time when travelling
Backup your hard drive before the retrograde
If at all possible, avoid installing new computer software during the retrograde
Do needed repairs on machinery before the retrograde
Do not hold an election during the retrograde
Thursday, June 14, 2007
O, there's the lasagne dish...
Lucky died in the night. He looked ok when he snuggled back into the nest. I think maybe Snowball chucked him out or he just wandered out by himslef and got cold. Joy cried and she got me going too, then she said, It's ok, mum it's only a baby rabbit that died. So we were too late for the school bus, but it was good to take Joy into the class, where Jane whispered hat she would keep an eye on her. Jane is lovely and works when I work on Friday afternooons, and we chat over lunch about everything, and she is quite happy to let Fergus join in with her class, who are usually outside, while I garden with Freddie.
I also woke up to being told (gleefully) that it was raining on the stairs. The roof is leaking again in the same place. I phoned Bob, who said that everyone was phoning him about their rooves. Well he is a roofer, and it has been raining.. but I paid him £9oo to fix mine. Anyway, he tried it on with me when I went to pay him last time, the creep. I had to go up into the loft this morning to empty out the lasagne dish, which they had left there from before it was (supposedly) fixed. This involved crawling on the fibreglass-covered joists with a torch and bucket all the way from the front to the back of the house. It must be full already as it's dripping into the bucket on the stairs and the ceiling paper's coming down- that I paid someone else to put up after it was 'fixed'. I can't go back up there now as the trap door is directly above Freddie's bed.
So, anyway, I tackled the utility room today and it was surprisingly rewarding as I was able to throw away at least half of the stuff. Still there: a fish bowl, 3 tool boxes, gardening box. I found a really smart coat in moss green I could wear to dad's funeral. I think it needs a brooch as it's awfully plain, and a bit on the big side now; I got it last winter.
Sarah said I was shrinking when she hugged me- the incredible shrinking woman- I said I had to shrink to fit into my new house: a pepperpot? no, a shoe.
Michelle called in and I carried on pottering with the baking cupboard, which had been infiltrated by mice, which made it easier as I had to get rid of everything that wasn't in jars.
I had the second part of my benefit phone interview, which involved acknowledging that I was no longer working, ahem, so wouldn't be getting Working tax credits, but could get income support, but this situation could change back again, as in the case of actors and seasonal workers. I explained that I had been too distressed to work for 8 weeks but he cancelled it as from yesterday, so I will still get another 4 weeks WTC.
Michelle looked after the boys while I picked Joy up and my Emergency Essence, which is like Rescue remedy. It is working. Also my friend Josee, who is training to be a homeopath, recommended Ignatia for grief.
I drove Michelle up the hill with her shopping as her Defender is still on the blink, and it was raining. So it was nice to catch up round at Sarah's while I was up there
Dave phoned earlier, to ask if I was ok, and he would be passing and could call in. I think I put him off, as I asked what he was doing up here, he was visiting another (woman) friend, so I couldn't resist teasing him about keeping all his girlfriends happy, and that it just wasn't possible was it? When he said maybe he should stick to one, I said yes, maybe he should. I was only joking with him, but you know, many a true word said in jest. I can really say anything to him and he doesn't react, which is great for the sake of honesty. I passed him on my way back up home- so he didn't call in. I am feeling a lot better now and less needy and can actually refrain from phoning him up, which is a good thing.
I'm planning to go to Callis tomorrow night straight after my Tai chi class, to do some singing with Dawn, and/or catch up with Guy, so I probably won't be around to blog- so if not that's what I will be doing- hopefully having a great time round a fire. Hope it doesnt rain.
I also woke up to being told (gleefully) that it was raining on the stairs. The roof is leaking again in the same place. I phoned Bob, who said that everyone was phoning him about their rooves. Well he is a roofer, and it has been raining.. but I paid him £9oo to fix mine. Anyway, he tried it on with me when I went to pay him last time, the creep. I had to go up into the loft this morning to empty out the lasagne dish, which they had left there from before it was (supposedly) fixed. This involved crawling on the fibreglass-covered joists with a torch and bucket all the way from the front to the back of the house. It must be full already as it's dripping into the bucket on the stairs and the ceiling paper's coming down- that I paid someone else to put up after it was 'fixed'. I can't go back up there now as the trap door is directly above Freddie's bed.
So, anyway, I tackled the utility room today and it was surprisingly rewarding as I was able to throw away at least half of the stuff. Still there: a fish bowl, 3 tool boxes, gardening box. I found a really smart coat in moss green I could wear to dad's funeral. I think it needs a brooch as it's awfully plain, and a bit on the big side now; I got it last winter.
Sarah said I was shrinking when she hugged me- the incredible shrinking woman- I said I had to shrink to fit into my new house: a pepperpot? no, a shoe.
Michelle called in and I carried on pottering with the baking cupboard, which had been infiltrated by mice, which made it easier as I had to get rid of everything that wasn't in jars.
I had the second part of my benefit phone interview, which involved acknowledging that I was no longer working, ahem, so wouldn't be getting Working tax credits, but could get income support, but this situation could change back again, as in the case of actors and seasonal workers. I explained that I had been too distressed to work for 8 weeks but he cancelled it as from yesterday, so I will still get another 4 weeks WTC.
Michelle looked after the boys while I picked Joy up and my Emergency Essence, which is like Rescue remedy. It is working. Also my friend Josee, who is training to be a homeopath, recommended Ignatia for grief.
I drove Michelle up the hill with her shopping as her Defender is still on the blink, and it was raining. So it was nice to catch up round at Sarah's while I was up there
Dave phoned earlier, to ask if I was ok, and he would be passing and could call in. I think I put him off, as I asked what he was doing up here, he was visiting another (woman) friend, so I couldn't resist teasing him about keeping all his girlfriends happy, and that it just wasn't possible was it? When he said maybe he should stick to one, I said yes, maybe he should. I was only joking with him, but you know, many a true word said in jest. I can really say anything to him and he doesn't react, which is great for the sake of honesty. I passed him on my way back up home- so he didn't call in. I am feeling a lot better now and less needy and can actually refrain from phoning him up, which is a good thing.
I'm planning to go to Callis tomorrow night straight after my Tai chi class, to do some singing with Dawn, and/or catch up with Guy, so I probably won't be around to blog- so if not that's what I will be doing- hopefully having a great time round a fire. Hope it doesnt rain.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I have a tiny baby rabbit on my lap. He had fallen out of the nest and was cold. I think the only thing we could do was warm it up and put it back. It seems to be ok- moving around a bit but I think its only chance is to go back in with the others, hopefully to be fed by snowball tonight.
Three of them died yesterday, leaving four, plus 'Lucky'. I was at my tai chi class and by the time I got they had thankfully been buried.
Yesterday I forgot to take Joy to school and ballet, but they all played really well and I got on with some packing. I don't think the free range rabbits are going down very well with the neighbours, so I caught Miffy and put him in the hutch for his own safety. They have guns for dealing with rabbits round here. The children were pretty free range, too, going on an adventure to the park. They were actually looking forward to the new house where there will be loads of adventuring to be done, being between the park and the woods.
Today we managed school, but lunched out on the home-ed group. I was feeling very raw and emotional and tired and needed to get on with stuff. The boys played quietly all day, fortunately. Fergus was particularly quiet and just wanted peace and quiet in his room with his dinosaurs. Dave came up in the morning to do some taichi- the theory was it would get me in the right space for getting on with packing, etc. But I was really emotional after he left- I think it was a bit too intense for me. I know he's trying to be supportive, but under the circumstances maybe he's not the right person to be doing that, as I can't detatch myself and neither can he. He can still go and see his girlfriend though. I shouldn't be bothered but I am. And I know he won't leave her- he would have done already, wouldnt he? Well, you don't know the story, and I don't want to go into it now, but you know how long I've been going to tai chi- six months. I don't know if the emotional turmoil cancels out the support I get from him. I just don't understand what's going on any more. I mean I would have been emotional anyway, and maybe I needed to be, and I did feel better after lunch. When every settles down for me I know I will be able to handle the situation better.
I did manage to get some paperwork done that had been really bugging me and claimed income support (with the Child Support opt-out, so I will have another interview for that). I am feeling a lot calmer now. I couldn't find the rescue remedy but have been taking Arnica 200, after talking with the homeopath, and she is going to make me up some bush-flower equivalent tomorrow.
Ok, Lucky's rooting on my arm, I think its time to try and put him back.
Three of them died yesterday, leaving four, plus 'Lucky'. I was at my tai chi class and by the time I got they had thankfully been buried.
Yesterday I forgot to take Joy to school and ballet, but they all played really well and I got on with some packing. I don't think the free range rabbits are going down very well with the neighbours, so I caught Miffy and put him in the hutch for his own safety. They have guns for dealing with rabbits round here. The children were pretty free range, too, going on an adventure to the park. They were actually looking forward to the new house where there will be loads of adventuring to be done, being between the park and the woods.
Today we managed school, but lunched out on the home-ed group. I was feeling very raw and emotional and tired and needed to get on with stuff. The boys played quietly all day, fortunately. Fergus was particularly quiet and just wanted peace and quiet in his room with his dinosaurs. Dave came up in the morning to do some taichi- the theory was it would get me in the right space for getting on with packing, etc. But I was really emotional after he left- I think it was a bit too intense for me. I know he's trying to be supportive, but under the circumstances maybe he's not the right person to be doing that, as I can't detatch myself and neither can he. He can still go and see his girlfriend though. I shouldn't be bothered but I am. And I know he won't leave her- he would have done already, wouldnt he? Well, you don't know the story, and I don't want to go into it now, but you know how long I've been going to tai chi- six months. I don't know if the emotional turmoil cancels out the support I get from him. I just don't understand what's going on any more. I mean I would have been emotional anyway, and maybe I needed to be, and I did feel better after lunch. When every settles down for me I know I will be able to handle the situation better.
I did manage to get some paperwork done that had been really bugging me and claimed income support (with the Child Support opt-out, so I will have another interview for that). I am feeling a lot calmer now. I couldn't find the rescue remedy but have been taking Arnica 200, after talking with the homeopath, and she is going to make me up some bush-flower equivalent tomorrow.
Ok, Lucky's rooting on my arm, I think its time to try and put him back.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Had a bit of a subdued day in the hot sunshine. Mel came up and did stuff with the kids. I packed 3/4 of a box: at this rate it will take me weeks. But there is still no sign of a completion date. I went down and signed the rest of the documents, including the detination of sale proceeds, so I don't have to discuss this any further with Brendan. The solicitor was nice.
Dave came round to discuss the plant moving and we were just friends again, so that's good, I think, except I'm not sure where this is going, if anywhere, which wasn't really bothering me before the last week's events, well, it was, but I was handling it ok. He has been really supportive though, and even after I shoved all his books I had borrowed through his letterbox with what can only be discribed as a Dear John letter, on his birthday, he still phoned me up and carried on being friendly. I felt really tight so made him a (Vegan) birthday cake today with beeswax candles, which the children really enjoyed! And I even managed to do a little bit of Tai chi. Well, at least some people can handle it when I'm in a mess...
The funeral is next week. I'm not taking the kids as it is in a crematorium, with a humanist ceremony. I have been asked if I want to contrubute or read anything out but I don't really know- I can't think of anything at the moment. There is going to be a quiet ceremony in the village church at a later date which I can take the children to. Martin, Meg's dad, wants to come to the funeral! I l'm not sure if it will upset the family, or if I can handle going there with him really. He has offered to drive me down. Dave offered too but hasn't met any of my family before, so it might be a bit wierd. Martin knew my dad years ago when Meg was a baby, and lost his own dad a year or so ago. He seems to think that it's up to him whether he goes or not. I suppose Meg will want to come, but actually she will be already at Glastonbury, doing the set up, so I don't know, and I thought Martin would be, (along with the rest of Hebden Bridge- it will be a ghost town- o well I might be singing at the Pendle witch festival during Glasto weekend anyway).
I have been slightly worrying about what I'm going to be living on, but I have beem trying to wait until I move to sort that out. Was planning to go on benefits but that''s going to be a bit difficult with £20,000 lodged in my current account (can't open another account due to Brendan's bad credit rating). So I'll just have to spend it quick on the necessary building work.
Just remembered- It was really nice that the 2 friends that came up today were great with the kids and got involved with what they were doing, which was sitting outside with loads of paper and pencils, making up stories, and just generally hanging around with the rabbits, etc. I was just letting them get on with it, as usual, but it was nice that my friends who aren't familiar with Home education can embrace it and actually join in in a natural sort of way, without making any comment. I kind of forget that Mondays are actually not part of the weekend.
Dave came round to discuss the plant moving and we were just friends again, so that's good, I think, except I'm not sure where this is going, if anywhere, which wasn't really bothering me before the last week's events, well, it was, but I was handling it ok. He has been really supportive though, and even after I shoved all his books I had borrowed through his letterbox with what can only be discribed as a Dear John letter, on his birthday, he still phoned me up and carried on being friendly. I felt really tight so made him a (Vegan) birthday cake today with beeswax candles, which the children really enjoyed! And I even managed to do a little bit of Tai chi. Well, at least some people can handle it when I'm in a mess...
The funeral is next week. I'm not taking the kids as it is in a crematorium, with a humanist ceremony. I have been asked if I want to contrubute or read anything out but I don't really know- I can't think of anything at the moment. There is going to be a quiet ceremony in the village church at a later date which I can take the children to. Martin, Meg's dad, wants to come to the funeral! I l'm not sure if it will upset the family, or if I can handle going there with him really. He has offered to drive me down. Dave offered too but hasn't met any of my family before, so it might be a bit wierd. Martin knew my dad years ago when Meg was a baby, and lost his own dad a year or so ago. He seems to think that it's up to him whether he goes or not. I suppose Meg will want to come, but actually she will be already at Glastonbury, doing the set up, so I don't know, and I thought Martin would be, (along with the rest of Hebden Bridge- it will be a ghost town- o well I might be singing at the Pendle witch festival during Glasto weekend anyway).
I have been slightly worrying about what I'm going to be living on, but I have beem trying to wait until I move to sort that out. Was planning to go on benefits but that''s going to be a bit difficult with £20,000 lodged in my current account (can't open another account due to Brendan's bad credit rating). So I'll just have to spend it quick on the necessary building work.
Just remembered- It was really nice that the 2 friends that came up today were great with the kids and got involved with what they were doing, which was sitting outside with loads of paper and pencils, making up stories, and just generally hanging around with the rabbits, etc. I was just letting them get on with it, as usual, but it was nice that my friends who aren't familiar with Home education can embrace it and actually join in in a natural sort of way, without making any comment. I kind of forget that Mondays are actually not part of the weekend.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
I've just been perusing my pre-contact sale and purchase documents, which almost sent me off to sleep, but helped me to think about the new house- it all still seems a bit unreal- can't imagine it's going to be our home.
My lovely old friend Sarah came over this evening to view my oversized kitchen table for her new large kitchen-glad to find a new home for it.
The children were quite settled, eventually, this afternoon. We went down to get rabbit food so Joy was happy, and the boys had a bonfire in the garden, of little bits of wood that were lying around and some paper out of the recycling bin. I've just realised that the new house is in a smoke free zone so bonfires are not technically allowed. Well, there is a fire pit in the garden, so I'm sure we will use it...
I'm still reading Eragon to Fergus, even now they have now seen the DVD at Daddy's. Actually Fergus said today the only good thing about daddy's house was the DVD player. Not daddy's boy any more then? I didn't say anything. Actually I'm getting on with Fergus very well at the moment- I seem to talk to him the most, which is nice because I used to feel a bit unconnected to him. He's still got him arm in plaster-bless, and I had to try and bath him today, first time in 2 weeks! and he would only put his legs in for me to scrub, and they needed scrubbing. I'm glad to have found some peace with the children because at times when I'm finding life difficult they can really jar with me and it all escalates into mayhem. The sunshine helps, of course.
Freddie was very keen to pack some of his stuff into boxes this morning so I gave him a couple and let him get on with it. If they rattle I'l just open them up and shove some more stuff inside. Other than that not packing was achieved today, but I decided it was better to spend some time just being with the children and wait till tomorrow, when Mel, (who had them for a day when I was away and Brendan was at work), is coming to help with them so I can get on with it. She's great, although she doesn't seem to understand the whole HE thing and seems to assume that they will all go to school eventually.
I have got something to sign about the destination of proceeds an got a bit fed up that the solicitor had done it the way Brendan wanted (so he gets more money) and not the way I had suggested. Seems I will continue to be treated not as a person in my own right, until this is all sorted out and I am officaially a free woman, homeowner in my own right. Well, I think I can cope with another week. I hope it is only another week and they let me know tomorrow.
My lovely old friend Sarah came over this evening to view my oversized kitchen table for her new large kitchen-glad to find a new home for it.
The children were quite settled, eventually, this afternoon. We went down to get rabbit food so Joy was happy, and the boys had a bonfire in the garden, of little bits of wood that were lying around and some paper out of the recycling bin. I've just realised that the new house is in a smoke free zone so bonfires are not technically allowed. Well, there is a fire pit in the garden, so I'm sure we will use it...
I'm still reading Eragon to Fergus, even now they have now seen the DVD at Daddy's. Actually Fergus said today the only good thing about daddy's house was the DVD player. Not daddy's boy any more then? I didn't say anything. Actually I'm getting on with Fergus very well at the moment- I seem to talk to him the most, which is nice because I used to feel a bit unconnected to him. He's still got him arm in plaster-bless, and I had to try and bath him today, first time in 2 weeks! and he would only put his legs in for me to scrub, and they needed scrubbing. I'm glad to have found some peace with the children because at times when I'm finding life difficult they can really jar with me and it all escalates into mayhem. The sunshine helps, of course.
Freddie was very keen to pack some of his stuff into boxes this morning so I gave him a couple and let him get on with it. If they rattle I'l just open them up and shove some more stuff inside. Other than that not packing was achieved today, but I decided it was better to spend some time just being with the children and wait till tomorrow, when Mel, (who had them for a day when I was away and Brendan was at work), is coming to help with them so I can get on with it. She's great, although she doesn't seem to understand the whole HE thing and seems to assume that they will all go to school eventually.
I have got something to sign about the destination of proceeds an got a bit fed up that the solicitor had done it the way Brendan wanted (so he gets more money) and not the way I had suggested. Seems I will continue to be treated not as a person in my own right, until this is all sorted out and I am officaially a free woman, homeowner in my own right. Well, I think I can cope with another week. I hope it is only another week and they let me know tomorrow.
boing
Please don't ever say "boing" in that annoying way...I didn't tell you about my tai chi day, did I? Well I didn't do very well- it just did my head in really. It was with John Higginson, who is really upbeat and full of energy and enthusiasm, a bit like an 1980's kid's tv presenter. He talked a lot. I'm not sure if I learned anything as I was really struggling all the way through- he just kept on getting us to do excercises, which seemed pointless to me, and it annoyed me when he said the same thing over and over again, like we hadn't heard it the first time. I think I had thought it was going to be more advanced, and what I definately needed was to just do tai chi, not a load of excercises with talking. It got really too much when he kept saying "boing", trying to get people to be more bouncy, but he just kept on saying boing, boing boing, all the way through the form and I had to go an the kitchen and have a cup of tea. Ann, the serious taichi teacher was pouring out a pot of green tea and I grabbed a normal tea bag and put in in a cup. I told her if he says boing one more time I'm going to boing him, and she did laugh. I think I like her.
During the tea break someone told me it was better than their class as the teacher doesn't say much and you just have to follow what he does most of the time. I said that sounded ok to me. It turned out he has the same teacher as me and I shall really appreciate Tom now.
I was really tired as I haven't been sleeping well and it all seemed a bit surreal. I really thought I was in an episode of Little Britain with Matt Lucas doing a really good piss take of a taichi teacher (a bit like the hypnotist). I knew I would find it funny afterwards but it was quite excruiciating to be there. John is obviously very accomplished, but I just wasn't in the right space for that. Dave told me that he had walked out of one of John's workshops in the past. I lasted till 3 o'clock, and then had to come back in because I couldn't find my car keys. I ended up finding them at Dave's, where I fell asleep, which was a really bad move as we are really just friends, but I am in such a vulnerable state right now and he came back to find goldilocks still asleep and I ended up leaving slightly emotionally, well, gutted, really.
I had a quiet evening in after getting the children to bed. I stopped shaking about 11pm and went down to the Trades Club for a couple of hours, a couple of Warsteiner shandies (sacrelidge!), and a some lovely friends. I still felt gutted, but at least I'm under no illusion about my friendship with Dave being anything more than that (today). I was, then I wasn't, but being so fragile can make you so needy. I don't think I can see him now- because I always fall for it and then get disappointed. I've got to be so strong. I will have to go to a different Tai chi class (Ann's) but that's ok. Don't know who I'm going to help me move my plants now.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
keep on the sunny side
This was a happy moment that happened during the three days that I have been away: all my brothers and sisters were at the hospital on Tuesday. We all found ourselves round a canteen table at one time and someone had a camera and took everyone elses email adresses. We don't see each other that often; this was a rare occurrance. You can't tell that most of us have been crying, can you?
Dad died on Wednesday just after 7pm. I had been with him all day from 8.30, after my mum and big sister had been there all night. I just went back to my mum's to pick her up at tea time- she had gone home for a rest. When we got back he had just died. There had been someone with him all the time- we had taken it in turns. I did get the chance to talk with him on Tuesday. I did all I could do. On Wednesday night, those that were still there went back to mum's and talked, drank, laughed, cried and I made a slap-up meal at 11 pm as no-one had eaten all day. It was how it should be- you don't know what to do in these situations until it happens.
Thursday I stayed with mum and big sis and helped to start making the 'arrangements'. I had to leave in the evening for the 3-hour drive home, as I was getting anxious about the children.
Today has been really wierd- I wasn't coping well this morning, but went to work, which helped a lot, being in the garden and around people. I had tea at a friend's and drank too much wine, which is probably helping, although I don't usually drink, so hope I feel allright tomorrow, for my taichi day!
And no definate moving date now- they're not even suggesting that it could be possibly be next week- at least I should have time to get packed now. It all seems too much at the moment and I hope I don't fall apart when it happens.
The kids seem to be taking all all in their stride, thankfully.
I sang all the way down the motorway- this is what had popped into my head as I pulled into the hospital:
There's a dark and a troubled side of life
There's a bright and a sunny side too
Though we meet with the darkness and strife
The sunny side we also may view
Keep on the sunny side
always on the sunny side
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us every day it will brighten all our way
If we keep on the sunny side of life
Oh the storm and its fury broke today
Crushing hopes that we cherish so dear
The clouds and storm will in time pass away
The sun again will shine bright and clear
Let us greet with a song of hope each day
Though the moment be cloudy or fair
Let us trust in our Savior always
To keep us every one in His care
Monday, June 04, 2007
breathing...birth, and death.
I think I will have to go and vist my family tomorrow morning as it looks like they are going to turn of the machine helping my dad to breathe and he will die. He had been responding to treatment but now has pneumonia. I don't know if he will wake up again. In a way that would be much better as he won't suffer any more. I can't bear the idea of him suffocating and knowing it it's happening.
I have to go really, although it's been really hard to think about everything that's been happening at once. Brendan has offered to look after the kids for a day, although his dad is also very unwell, but out of hospital. Maybe I can come back Wednesday and he can go see him then (urm, so we are separating and both our dads are dying simultaneously?) Brendan has been more reasonable, after this afternoon's argument about the distribution of the house equity.
I think the newborn rabbits are doing fine- I can't really take the kids away at this point- no point anyway.
At least the move is 99% certain to be put off till next Friday, according to the estate agents, due to a complication at the bottom end of the chain, who were the ones who were pushing for it to happen so fast. I must remember to phone the solicotors to say that there's no way we can move this week and let the removal man know, and Dave, who was going to move my plants on Wednesday morning. At least I'll have time to do more packing, which is still only half done, (I was on the phone half the day) and get rid of some more stuff.
Remember to breathe.
I have to go really, although it's been really hard to think about everything that's been happening at once. Brendan has offered to look after the kids for a day, although his dad is also very unwell, but out of hospital. Maybe I can come back Wednesday and he can go see him then (urm, so we are separating and both our dads are dying simultaneously?) Brendan has been more reasonable, after this afternoon's argument about the distribution of the house equity.
I think the newborn rabbits are doing fine- I can't really take the kids away at this point- no point anyway.
At least the move is 99% certain to be put off till next Friday, according to the estate agents, due to a complication at the bottom end of the chain, who were the ones who were pushing for it to happen so fast. I must remember to phone the solicotors to say that there's no way we can move this week and let the removal man know, and Dave, who was going to move my plants on Wednesday morning. At least I'll have time to do more packing, which is still only half done, (I was on the phone half the day) and get rid of some more stuff.
Remember to breathe.
what's happening?
O dear, My computer is seriously playing up- I didn't even know that long blog post I wrote last night had actually worked or not. I think google earth did some damage- it said something about a serious error and I just ignored it. There is now only one working computer in the house- Joy's, and she wants it back.
- The date for moving (this Friday) is still not definate.
- Packing is still happening- still loads to do
- Snowball had some baby rabbits, this morning, we think. There are at least 4 and the have no fur yet.
- I am not panicking (honest)
Sunday, June 03, 2007
all will be well
I've just realised my camera's upstairs and I cant be bothered to get it right now, so I might just add pictures later, although I usually put them on first to remind me of what I have been doing!
Friday: I think this was mostly packing toys and stuff with the children, and Martin came round to annoy me, no to use the phone to shout at the gas board which did invade on what's left of my inner calmness. But I fell kind of obligated to help him out as he has been helping me out, except it is not me he is helping out, really; he has been moving Brendan's stuff out in a painstakingly dragged-out fashion. Not really Martin's fault; Brendan has not been very together about this and doesn't seem to reallise how difficult he is making it for me, or maybe he is doing it on purpose. Anyway, we finally got out in time for a charity shop/friend run. No, hold on, that was Thursday.
Friday: I didn't go to work as Joy was feeling ill and the others didn't really want to go, plus it was half term so no children would be there. I went down to Hebden for some reason, and decided to try to open a bank acccout for putting my surplus funds from the house sale into, but, after deflecting the speil about special offers on mobile phone insurance, etc (what!) by calmly explaining that I did not want all those things as I am not really into money and didn't really want a bank account except that I need somewhere to put some money apart from under the matress, (which is beginning to sound like the better option), and promising to read the speil at home as I didn't really have time right now, I WAS DECLINED: The bank didn't want my money, no doubt because I have a bad credit rating, (by association).
We bumped into Kelly and her little Brendan (who is 4), who had both nearly recovered from being ill, and invited them up to play (phew! a playmate at last! and one with a mum who I like to talk to, too). So they came up, and Joy went to horseriding. Martin and Brendan came up to get a few bits of furniture, and I was very glad to go to my evening tai chi class. (My two ex's, in my kitchen, drinking my tea, eating my avacados; it could have ben toooo much if I hadn't been in a good mood).
Afterwards I went along to the bonfire at Callis, which was just what I needed, and I was in very high spirits all evening, dancing round the fire with Irish Clare, who drank half my cider, but was great fun, and Guy, who had his sound system out, and was very chilled and talked to me a lot about home education. It was great to see Charlotte, too. I finally collapsed in a heap in Guy's boat at about 2am.
Saturday: Got home around 10am and Michelle came round to help me pack. I think I might have got more done on my own, but it would have been very hard emotionally. I got the hardest room done, which contained all my 'STUFF', and we lit a big bonfire and burned loads of my STUFF and sang songs till after 2 (again!).
Sunday: I did a bit more sorting out of charity shop stuff and rubbish this morning, upstairs. Then I went to the Sacred Song (I wrote sacred snog then!) workshop, which was very uplifting. I was familiar with most of the songs, including: All Will Be Well, Dona Nobis Pacem, Sanctus, and Om Navar Shiva- I like all those. It brought peace into my heart. I love singing.
After giving a lift back to Jane and Robert (who was my homeopathic doctor years ago, and Jane I helped run the Steiner playgroup with), and offloading them with all my old Resurgence magazines, I finally managed to catch up with my friend Josee for a few minutes.
When I picked the kids up from their dad, he was a bit grumpy and still grumbling about the amount of money he's getting from the house. And having to look after the kids half the week and work his arse off - so now a week is 4 days long is it, or does the weekend count as half the week? I pointed out that I was moving house in a few days, not getting into the finer points of the fact that I actually didn't want to move, and that if he had them on a regular basis I could work, too. I just need to catch him in a good mood and get him to sign the damn thing. I think we have finally agreed on an amount though, phew.
I called in briefly to see Dave before going home, so now I'm all loved up... We also saw Helen, who has offered to get Thai take-aways on Friday afternoon, when I've moved in, with Mark, who lives a few doors from the new house. It's so lovely to be so supported by all these lovely friends when I'm moving. I know I have mentioned loads of people in this post who you won't know, but they are obviously important to me right now.
Also: just now I was quietly sitting in the kitchen when suddenly there as a dragonfly flying about in there. I thought I might try and find out hat it was tring to tell me, so here goes:
"Dragonflies represent the powers of light and transformation, and
the ability to see through illusion. They bring us prosperity and harmony. In
terms of meanings, dragonflies symbolize going past self-created illusions
that limit growth and change, themselves being a symbol of change."
Friday: I think this was mostly packing toys and stuff with the children, and Martin came round to annoy me, no to use the phone to shout at the gas board which did invade on what's left of my inner calmness. But I fell kind of obligated to help him out as he has been helping me out, except it is not me he is helping out, really; he has been moving Brendan's stuff out in a painstakingly dragged-out fashion. Not really Martin's fault; Brendan has not been very together about this and doesn't seem to reallise how difficult he is making it for me, or maybe he is doing it on purpose. Anyway, we finally got out in time for a charity shop/friend run. No, hold on, that was Thursday.
Friday: I didn't go to work as Joy was feeling ill and the others didn't really want to go, plus it was half term so no children would be there. I went down to Hebden for some reason, and decided to try to open a bank acccout for putting my surplus funds from the house sale into, but, after deflecting the speil about special offers on mobile phone insurance, etc (what!) by calmly explaining that I did not want all those things as I am not really into money and didn't really want a bank account except that I need somewhere to put some money apart from under the matress, (which is beginning to sound like the better option), and promising to read the speil at home as I didn't really have time right now, I WAS DECLINED: The bank didn't want my money, no doubt because I have a bad credit rating, (by association).
We bumped into Kelly and her little Brendan (who is 4), who had both nearly recovered from being ill, and invited them up to play (phew! a playmate at last! and one with a mum who I like to talk to, too). So they came up, and Joy went to horseriding. Martin and Brendan came up to get a few bits of furniture, and I was very glad to go to my evening tai chi class. (My two ex's, in my kitchen, drinking my tea, eating my avacados; it could have ben toooo much if I hadn't been in a good mood).
Afterwards I went along to the bonfire at Callis, which was just what I needed, and I was in very high spirits all evening, dancing round the fire with Irish Clare, who drank half my cider, but was great fun, and Guy, who had his sound system out, and was very chilled and talked to me a lot about home education. It was great to see Charlotte, too. I finally collapsed in a heap in Guy's boat at about 2am.
Saturday: Got home around 10am and Michelle came round to help me pack. I think I might have got more done on my own, but it would have been very hard emotionally. I got the hardest room done, which contained all my 'STUFF', and we lit a big bonfire and burned loads of my STUFF and sang songs till after 2 (again!).
Sunday: I did a bit more sorting out of charity shop stuff and rubbish this morning, upstairs. Then I went to the Sacred Song (I wrote sacred snog then!) workshop, which was very uplifting. I was familiar with most of the songs, including: All Will Be Well, Dona Nobis Pacem, Sanctus, and Om Navar Shiva- I like all those. It brought peace into my heart. I love singing.
After giving a lift back to Jane and Robert (who was my homeopathic doctor years ago, and Jane I helped run the Steiner playgroup with), and offloading them with all my old Resurgence magazines, I finally managed to catch up with my friend Josee for a few minutes.
When I picked the kids up from their dad, he was a bit grumpy and still grumbling about the amount of money he's getting from the house. And having to look after the kids half the week and work his arse off - so now a week is 4 days long is it, or does the weekend count as half the week? I pointed out that I was moving house in a few days, not getting into the finer points of the fact that I actually didn't want to move, and that if he had them on a regular basis I could work, too. I just need to catch him in a good mood and get him to sign the damn thing. I think we have finally agreed on an amount though, phew.
I called in briefly to see Dave before going home, so now I'm all loved up... We also saw Helen, who has offered to get Thai take-aways on Friday afternoon, when I've moved in, with Mark, who lives a few doors from the new house. It's so lovely to be so supported by all these lovely friends when I'm moving. I know I have mentioned loads of people in this post who you won't know, but they are obviously important to me right now.
Also: just now I was quietly sitting in the kitchen when suddenly there as a dragonfly flying about in there. I thought I might try and find out hat it was tring to tell me, so here goes:
"Dragonflies represent the powers of light and transformation, and
the ability to see through illusion. They bring us prosperity and harmony. In
terms of meanings, dragonflies symbolize going past self-created illusions
that limit growth and change, themselves being a symbol of change."
Friday, June 01, 2007
Hamlyn Bridge
Soo tired, and must get some sleep, but just remembered what I was thinking earlier. I think it was possibly because Fergus has been frustrated with his broken right wrist that I felt the need for him to see a friend or two. But there aren't that many about. And it's half term. Ok with the two friends I regularly see, with HE kids, out of action (ill) and another one really busy cos she's got a week off, There doesn't seem to be anybody about. Maybe I've got a bit out of circulation lately, and we are normally quite self contained, but sometimes it just feels like, weird, where are all the children? It's like some sci-fi film or like the pied piper has whistled them all away. They're at school, of course, or away on holdiay. I suppose now my children have got a bit older their 'peers' are starting to disappear. And there just aren't many people home educating in Hebden Bridge now. I already knew it was hard to find someone for Joy. O, I know they've got each other, and usually that works ok, but sometimes it's nice to see other kids, isn't it?
O well, I'm sure it made sense a few hours ago, before my brain fell asleep. I have been reading blogs last night, that really got me thinking, but I couldn't comment, I just wanted to have a RL conversation about it instead- I didn't fell I could put across what I wanted to say in writing.
Had a bit of a funny old day, didn't get much done, apart from huge charity shop run.
O well, I'm sure it made sense a few hours ago, before my brain fell asleep. I have been reading blogs last night, that really got me thinking, but I couldn't comment, I just wanted to have a RL conversation about it instead- I didn't fell I could put across what I wanted to say in writing.
Had a bit of a funny old day, didn't get much done, apart from huge charity shop run.
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